Are You a Reader or a Writer?

Do you ever feel like you are a character in your own novel?

Like someone else jumped in and started writing the story somewhere along the way?

I had a few moments like this recently, where I told myself to step back and pay attention…

And changing my view to an observer, I noticed something.

I felt like some of the areas of my life were played on a perpetual loop, with repeat patterns, stories, characters, situations, relationships.

Same story, different characters and situations. But the repeat patterns couldn’t be denied or ignored.

Relationships, health, work, maybe I stayed in those situations for too long, maybe I tolerated things that I shouldn’t have.

I noticed that I kept making the same choices repeatedly, but why?

It got me thinking, when did I start to feel like I was cast in this story instead of choosing or intentionally creating my own?

Bear with me…I went down a rabbit hole on this one.

Sometimes I wonder if patterns are just old beliefs on repeat.

Ways we’ve learned to show up in the world. Our habits, our expectations, and our beliefs stay with us.

Some of our beliefs were formed when we were in a different place in our lives, when we might have been a different person than we are now.

What happens when the story you're living was written by a version of you who knew what she knew then, but couldn't possibly have known what you know now?

Growth comes from learning, and we can learn through experience, through healing, through silence and grounding, through life and this crazy journey we’re all on.

So, it stands to reason that some of our thoughts, beliefs, habits, and patterns may no longer fit the person we’ve become.

This is where it gets a little tricky, because it’s easy to say we’re different now, to close chapters of the past.

What if instead of closing those chapters, we review them and the main character in those chapters?

No judgement, just observe who they were, recognize what they knew at that time, what they did not know.

What they believed they had to do to feel safe, loved, protected, accepted, successful and okay.

Maybe that’s where some of the roles began.

They learned how to read rooms. They learned how to be capable. They learned how to anticipate. They learned how to achieve. They learned how to keep everyone happy.

They learned how to be whatever version of themselves that was necessary at that time.

And maybe they became so good at playing the role that eventually, they forgot it was one.

Look at everything they carried and look at how far they carried you.

See their strengths, their courage, humor, resilience, intelligence, kindness, and their heart.

Recognize that you still carry all of those pieces with you today and more.

Reflection taught me that the goal is not to get rid of that character, it’s to celebrate them, to appreciate them for carrying you to this point.

And maybe now is the time for you to carry them in your heart, but to start writing from this moment forward.

Remind them that they no longer have to be everything to everyone, that they don’t have to perform, or achieve, or carry you any longer.

They carried you as far as they could. Maybe now, you get to carry them.

Remind them that the things that they once believed may have been exactly what they needed then, but don’t necessarily have to come with them into the next chapter.

Remind them that they no longer have to prove themselves, and remind them what they think, choose, and believe about themselves matter…that they matter.

Remind them that…You got us here. And for that I am so grateful. But I’ll take it from here.

Not because I want to erase the story that came before, but because I finally understand that I can honor and even celebrate the version of me who lived it without asking them to keep writing every chapter from here forward.

But first take a step back like I did and ask yourself…

Are you reading the story you’ve always known, or are you ready to start writing?